How many years have I been saying that someone needs to bring back Bionic Commando?

I swear, BC was one of those cartridges that I would pop into the NES long after I’d finished it, just because it was so different and fun. Swinging around, punching people with your bionic arm, fighting people who were clearly Nazis that had been censored into… whatever the hell they were? It didn’t matter, really; all that was importannt was saving Super Joe.

Seriously, every part of this game was pure, side-scrolling goodness. How bullets would bounce off of walls like pellets, how you could swing into guys and knock them off of skyscraping towers, how there was light swearing and a plot that made absolutely no sense — all of it, the purest essence of Nintendo fun.

Yeah, sure, there’s some next-gen version of it coming that will probably me… you know, next-generational. I don’t even know, it might be as good as when they updated Ninja Gaiden, but who cares? The important news is that they’ve re-done the 2D version!

Behold!

Yeah, they had to modernize the music, but now you can totally slaughter guys with giant barrels! And play 2-player co-op mode! It’s like Indiana Jones meets Spider-Man meets Double fucking Dragon!

It’s just too bad I spent my console money on, you know, living expenses. Let me know if it’s fun though, won’t you? I’ll just be over by the videogame case at Wal-Mart, looking sad in case some rich man walking by sees me and takes pity on me and buys me a game system to see me be happy again.