When you have a surprise head cold attack you cruelly, resulting in a more prodigious production of snot and mucous than you’ve ever experienced in your adult life, you must always remember to meet the challenge with as much legitimate facial tissue as you possibly can.

Go figure, they actually engineer kleenex differently than the paper products you’re expected to use on your hands after you’ve washed them, or on your nether regions after you’ve done something that would require you to very shortly wash your hands. As a matter of fact, you might think the other kinds of paper-tissue were designed specifically against using them on your face, because they are so incredibly effective at shredding your skin.

An entire day, and about a half a waste-paper basket full of paper towels (made for hands, Mike — remember, for hands!) later, I have learned this lesson in the most permanent way possible.

Ow. Ow, my face.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.