Let’s say that you were planning on having a long evening, centrally occupied by the kind of relationship talk that makes most men — particularly you — quake in their boots.

Let’s also say that, instead of going to the gym, you go to the grocery store. And, instead of buying vegetables for your dinner, you buy a half a kilogram of almonds covered in chocolate. And, instead of eating them over the course of a few days, you devour them greedily in the time it takes you to drive home.

Let’s also add to this scenario the subtle flavors of cheap, plentiful, delicious red wine. It is important not to skimp on the red wine. It should be understood that by “cheap”, we’re talking less than eleven dollars a bottle; it should be understood that “plentiful” should represent, therefore, around seventeen dollars of vino.

So, relationship talk + a pound of chocolate and nuts + enough wine to lubricate Europe. And then, whatever you do, don’t go to bed before at least one in the morning. Your head is hurting just reading that, isn’t it?

Well, let me give you a piece of advice. Take it or leave it, but I recommend you take it: Coffee, Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi, more coffee, some irrelevant foods like a muffin and a Subway sandwich, do not do anything for the liquid, sickening headache that follows those kinds of conditions. Indeed, they only temporarily alleviate the problem, only to bring it galloping back when the temporary buzz wears off.

And drinking water? To cure a hangover? Is a fucking lie. Drinking water makes you pee, a whole lot, which means getting up and going to pee, causing your head to throb even more painfully than it was when you were sitting still.

So… blissfully… still.

Granted, a heartbreak/starvation/alcohol Triple Whammy Hangover is a difficult beast to tame. But I can tell you one thing — caffeine ain’t what you use to tame it.