Miscellaneous, etc.

It’s probably rained now three or four times since the autumn started.

I mean, obviously it has on the surface of the globe. Toronto had a bit of a flood, for example. which rendered the rich kids’ soccer field across the street from my office into a washed-out heap of rubble. It sure as hell rained in Louisiana, for example, and I think the Carolinas are having a spot of weather lately, too. That’s not what I’m saying.

I’m referring to the simple, gloomy kind of autumnal rain that you get at this time of year, the sort that makes the office lights seem terribly bright and gives you sudden stabs of anxiety that Hallowe’en is in six weeks. It’s the kind of rain that might be a little bit shitty when it ruins your weekend or makes you dig out your fall jacket, but reminds you that the weather is still mild, which isn’t all that bad considering.

It’s this same rain that, naturally, transforms perfectly normal and functional adults into slobbering retards. Not in an Indiana Jones-oh-no-I’m-melting-arrrggh-do-you-want-to-buy-an-apple-for-charity kind of way, of course. That would be ludicrous (read: hilarious) by itself, along with being completely unreasonable. No, you just have to put them behind the wheels of cars.

We all know this. It’s a hard and fast rule of the universe that when water magically falls from the sky, people in cars forget how to do anything — signal, check their blind spots, propel their vehicle forward without swerving wildly, demonstrate even a shred of basic human compassion — and suddenly feel entitled to everything. What’s that, an empty space in the next lane? I’m going to halt my car until I get over there. Where am I? The right lane next to a merge? I hardly see why I should let anyone in front of me! I’m enjoying a cup of coffee!

Aaaaaaand so forth. We have heard this all before, we have talked about it all before, and if you’re ever feeling short on complaining about traffic and the rain, why, you’re on the internet! Pop over to LiveJournal or whatever and you’ll be seconds away from hearing about the perils of whatever shitty local freeway you want to read about. These are constant, persistent, comfortable jokes of our lives, and the miracle of them is that no matter how many rainy days you endure, no matter how many mornings you trudge in the office with a face darker than the sky outside, they never stop being funny.

You can absolutely never go wrong in an elevator if you make a joke about the shitty weather.

Consider:

Elevator: Ding.
You: (getting on board, noticing semi-friends or person in authority you can’t politely ignore)
Other Person Who Also Feels Awkward: Hi! How are you.
You: God damn, I’ve got an ingrown hair or a pimple or some frigging thing on my abdomen, and this morning when I tried to squeeze it out, it hurt so bad I nearly threw up. You ever get that?
Other Person: I… it. You… I.
You: Yeah, what a pain in the ass. Man oh man.
Elevator: Ding.
Other Person: (rapidly makes their escape)

Versus:

Elevator: Ding.
You: (getting on board, noticing semi-friends etcetera whatever)
Other Person: Hi! How are you.
You: A lot better without that rain, I’ll say! What is with people that when they get a little bit wet, they completely forget to drive!
Other Person: Ha ha ha, I hear you! Like this morning, I told my au pair Consuela that when she drives my kids Dylan and Taylor over to their Montessori school, she’d better just be–
Elevator: Ding.
You: (politely exiting) –she’d better be careful she doesn’t me off! Ha ha ha.
Other Person: Ha ha ha.

The former scenario, while probably being closer to the truth, is only really funny to you and other people with uncommon skin irritations. The latter scenario, while utterly boring and repetitive, is far better suited to an office or similar environment, where boredom and repetition are more or less the fabric of life. Creativity, paradigm-pushing, taboo-exposing and other innovative activities are for other times, other worlds where such activites are welcome — worlds that aren’t your church, or the bus shelter, or at the counter at the Gap.

Lesson 1: Crappy weather is your go-to safety joke. Never forget.