Can you bear any more awesome Friday Five action? Because if you’ve got any more room in the tank, my girl Gwen has what you’re craving.

And don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

(Super Mega Hint: It is a double entendre referring to both sex and additional humorous answers to the Friday Five.)

This week on the Friday Five, hypothetical questions about things I have never accomplished, and very well might not ever accomplish. But why get all busted up about the fact that I don’t own a restaurant, run my own business, publish books, run schools or cut albums? Just because I man a cubicle and look forward to Mondays because WWE Raw is getting kind of funny again?

Oh shit, I was trying not to be depressed, wasn’t I?

So instead of putting these questions to someone who’s only going to use them as an excuse to get down on himself, why not throw them at someone else entirely? Why not, now that I think of it, do something totally insane like a guest Friday Five? Perhaps even…

A Super Special Friday Five Starring My Girlfriend

By Jesus, it’s just so crazy that it might work.

If you…

1. …owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?

“You know what kind of food I would serve: Lebanese food. You know, kafta, kebbe, hummos… that kind of thing.”

“Okay, so I know I’ve eaten those things, but for those of us who are especially white, what exactly does that mean?”

“I don’t know, Lebanese food! Um, the bulk of it is all meat with herbs and spices. That’s most of the stuff like that I like.”

“So, meat. With herbs and spices. Kind of like KFC?”

“Ew, no. That’s like comparing — God, I don’t even know. What is that like comparing it to? Fois gras to a Big Mac.”

“All right, fine. But if you’re writing it on a menu, for Canadians like me, what are you going to tell them that they’re eating?”

“Kebbe has pine nuts, which I really love. I don’t think most people care for pine nuts, but I love them. And I can tell you how to make hummos, too.”

“Okay, great. Meat, spices, pine nuts, and hummos. Only.”

“What else could you possibly want?”

2. …owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?

“A small store? Hmmm. Imported chocolate. Chocolate from, like, Switzerland and Belgium and oh my god I, mmmmmmmm…”

“Okay, I–”

“Wait! Is it a small store? Like how small?”

“I don’t know. Let me read the question again: ‘If you owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?’”

“Because if I actually had a store, if I had the money, I would have a store with clothes for big-boobed girls. I would have tops that fit right, but don’t make you look like you’re pregnant. Actually sexy clothes, because stuff that big-boobed girls can wear doesn’t really end up looking that way.”

“Ha! That’s grea–”

“Oh, and bikini tops that chesty girls can wear without living in fear of exploding out of them at any given moment. Oh yeah. And I’ve have to sell cute shoes, though, too, so I’d need some room for that as well.”

“It says small store, sweetheart.”

“Well that’s why I was asking!”

3. …wrote a book, what genre would it be?

“If I wrote a book? Oh God. Is Romance a genre?”

“Yes!”

“You’re laughing. It’s not a genre.”

“No, no, it is, it is. I’m sorry. Why a romance book?”

“Well, what genres are out there? What else could I write about?”

“You know, things like murder mysteries, or suspense novels, or histories…”

“Ah, okay. Yeah, so, romance, because that’s what interests me. I could probably hack that more than anything else.”

“Well well. I can’t wait to read the dirty parts.”

“Ew, you’re such a perv.”

4. …ran a school, what would you teach?

“Okay, you’re going to have to give me some time on this one.”

“Take as much time as you need. This is a tough one. I don’t even know how broad this one is — like, would this include kung fu, or espionage?”

“Probably arts and crafts or something. You know, something fun and collaborative.”

“So, a whole school dedicated to arts and crafts?”

“Yeah! Then you’d have a lot of artistic and creative people! It’s a good stress reliever.”

5. …recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?

“This is so gay.”

“I know. Just answer the question and then we’re finished. There’s only five.”

“So, if I’m recording the album and I’m making the music? Do I have this right?”

“Yep. You are a rock star now.”

“Okay, all right. Probably a mix between Spanish and Arabic music. Something you’d want to move to.”

“So, like dance music? Or like Shakira? I’m fuzzy on the Spanish-Middle Eastern connection.”

“I guess dance-ish music, yeah. Just something with good beats.”

“I don’t think you’re going win a Grammy for Dance-ish Music with Good Beats, Sham.”

“You don’t know that. If what’s-his-name, Cheb Mami, and Sting can go and make a big hit, then so can I. And it’s already out there, but I’d just do, you know, a good version of it.”