It’s been a while since I’ve attempted a Friday Five, but I’m going for this whole uninterrupted flow of writing thing, and then I couldn’t think of anything to write about, and then it got busy at work and I went to go see Hidaldo and it’s about this really brave horse and don’t even get me going about brave horses they’re so great, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

And do you know what it fucking said? Get a load of this:

Recycled from last year. Recycled. From last year. Meaning that they went back through the archives seeking classic, thought-provoking questions of yestermonth, and this is the best that the Friday Five could come up with. Some sort of bizarre anniversary celebration of mailed-in questions that weren’t that interesting to begin with. How do you know you’re out of ideas? When you start poaching your own lame ones.

And don’t start any shit with me about how I’m answering them anyway because I don’t have a better idea of my own. I’m not going to stand for it.

1. What was the last song you heard?

“One of Us”, by Joan Osborne.

Yeah, shut up, I wasn’t listening to it on purpose. It just happened to come on Radio@Netscape while I was answering the question. Apparently the good good folks at Netscape or AOL or whatever feel that the line between Pop Rock and Adult Contemporary is thin enough that they can play Weezer one second and then Natalie Merchant the next, and I’m not supposed to ask any questions.

That’s how it happens. First you accept that your songs belong in a mix that includes Jon Secada, and the next thing you know, you’re hearing a xylophone version of “Islands In The Sun” while you’re at the grocery store. It’s just that fast.

The funny thing about “One Of Us” is that you can’t find anyone who admits to liking the song, now or ever. I’m among them, of course, but I think you could go back through time, interviewing my friends and family, and find that I haven’t changed my stance at all. I always thought it was irritating — not because of the treacly humanizing of God as some poor schlub on the bus who has nobody to talk to, but because the song has the incredible property to stretch four minutes of time out into an eternity. It’s almost as though it accelerates you to the speed of light, so that the world around you is passing in normal time but you and Joan Osborne aren’t aging at all, and you can flip around to other stations on the radio and listen to entire songs, but “One Of Us” will still only be in the second chorus when you switch back.

And yet this song was on the charts, and nobody will admit to helping it stay there. It’s like it just advanced through naked aggression, carried on the backs of that same vast, anonymous audience that kept Walker, Texas Ranger on the air for ten years.

Who are you, you people? You bad people with no taste? Why won’t you show yourselves? Why must you keep J.A.G. on the air?

2. What were the last two movies you saw?

Hidalgo and Starsky & Hutch, both of which I saw this weekend.

Hidalgo is the kind of movie that I probably would have watched about forty-five times when I was sixteen, because it was fast and cool and chock full of values, which I appreciated at the time. It’s about a guy who has more or less completely collapsed in on himself, and who decides that — if he has a choice between running a death-race in the Arabian desert or drinking himself to death at Wild Bill’s Wild West Show — might as well go out with a bang. All the reviews you’ll read will complain about either:

  1. the fact that it says it’s based on a true story, when the events of the film are clearly Hollywood, or
  2. the fact that it is an insufficiently sweeping epic for anyone other than kids.

You can add to that, thanks to my cross-cultural girlfriend connection, the fact that apparently all of the non-Omar-Sharif people who were acting in Arabic were doing it really really badly, prompting Sham to turn and ask me on four separate occasions, “Why the hell didn’t they just hire Arab actors?”

“I think they are, sweetheart.”

“Well, then why didn’t they hire good Arab actors?”

“I don’t know, sweetheart. Look, there’s a horse.”

As for what I thought of it, well, I think people get awfully pissy when they go to see movies in the February-April corridor. Yes, it’s generally crammed full of cruddy movies — Crossroads came out in February, I believe — but I think critics tend to over-sharpen their claws as they get ready to beat the shit out of the summer blockbusters. If you’re going to go out on a Saturday afternoon and watch something, what do you want it to be? Cody Banks 2? Eurotrip? It’s a very old-fashioned action movie that makes you think of those black and white movies you see your parents watching on PBS, except without all the racism.

Not that Starsky & Hutch wasn’t better, but you know what I’m saying.

Also: See Starsky & Hutch. At the start, it feels like it’s going to be as lame as Along Came Polly, but then Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller’s chemistry kicks in, Vince Vaughn starts in with his hyperactive asshole character, and then people are overdosing on cocaine and Amy Smart is kissing Carmen Electra and you’re just having a great time. It’s not the most hilarious original comedy of your life or anything, and the cameos by the original Starsky & Hutch just kind of makes you feel sad for what happens to faded television stars, but again: Cody Banks 2. That’s all I have to say.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?

The last thing I bought was a 1.5L bottle of Montclair natural spring water, ozonized and sodium-free, for my protection. According to the label, here, it has 330 parts per million of mineral salt content, and 0.2 parts per million of flouride ions, I assume to protect my innards from tooth decay. I get one of these every day, because I think a litre and a half roughly fills the 8-glass-per-day requirement that I’ve heard since I was in the first grade, even though now I’m pretty sure it’s an urban legend. Drinking water is one of those great nervous habits to have, because unlike smoking or heroin, when you compulsively engage in it you’re actually doing yourself some measure of good. Plus, as an added bonus, people become so accustomed to you getting up to pee every forty-five minutes that it’s an easy out for any conversations you don’t want to have.

Work Person: So, did you get a chance to see last night’s episode of Popular Reality Show?
Me: Oh, yeah, it was great! We’ll talk about it when I get back! (Confidentially:) Have to take a pit stop, if you know what I mean.
Work Person: Oh, great, cool. I’ll wait.
Me: No! Uh, I mean, no, no, we’ll catch up later.
Work Person: Right on! Hang loose, brother man.
Me: Uh, okay.

Before that was last night’s dinner, which was two hot dogs and a little bucket of onion rings from Harvey’s. Sham frowned at me when I tried to argue that it was healthier than what I usually get, which is two hamburgers and a little bucket of onion rings, mostly because we both knew what an incredibly weak position I was taking. She had a grilled chicken sandwich and a “salad”, which is defined by Harvey’s as a plastic container which holds a pile of shredded lettuce, upon which your choice of dressing can be squirted from a little packet supplied at the point of purchase.

Prior to that was our tickets for Starsky & Hutch. See above for a brief account of money well spent.

4. What four things did you need to do this weekend?

Hooray, a grocery list, which I am writing in the past tense:

1. Drive Sham and her sister, Sham, down to some sort of lifestyle show downtown.
2. Pick them up again afterwards. Yes, this counts as a second, separate thing, just by sheer weight of its importance. The potential damage that might be done by allowing Sham and Sham to shiver outside a subway stop while I’m having a warm bath at home is absolutely earth-shattering.
3. Pay my Visa bill, and update all of my stuff in Microsoft Money. For everything you can say about Microsoft, they make some pretty cool consumer software, and Money’s a great example of that. There are all kinds of features in there that I haven’t even figured out yet, but just the ability to download all of my transaction histories and balances is enough to win me over. Plus, I can replicate them to my PDA! So I’ll know exactly how much money I pissed away this weekend, right at arm’s reach! How much more ass kicking can you possibly want from financial planning software?
4. Put together three new strips for So Very Angry, which probably isn’t going to happen, but which I will have to do this week because they’re just so much fun.

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?

Augh, why do the questions get longer and lamer at the end, when I’m the most tired? It’s like giving me a high school equivalency exam and then hiding all the calculus on the last page, where you normally doodle until the time runs out.

Five people, then:

1. My boss, about cookies. I just bought some.
2. My friend Chris, also about cookies. I bought a lot of them.
3. Sham, about whether or not she’s going to come to the gym with me or not tonight. She doesn’t think she’s going to, because she doesn’t like the sort of creepy middle-aged after-work crowd.
4. A co-worker, who just handed me his complimentary copy of the Toronto Sun. He didn’t want to read it, because it made him feel dirty.
5. Jesus Christ. I don’t know. I don’t keep track.

And that’s it for this week. C’mon back next week when we’ll have more recycled favorites, including “What’s your favorite number?” and “Vanilla or chocolate?” Be here, or live forever with the gnawing doubt that will plague you for never knowing what part of the bookstore you’d find me in, and whether or not I prefer soft or firm mattresses!