Miscellaneous, etc.

Yeah, it’s been a lazy week, and this is an easy way to keep stupid Movable Type from erasing my page every time someone leaves a porn advertisement in my comments section. On the other hand, how many people are going to let the Friday Five lay bare their sporting inadequacies quite so completely?

That’s right, nobody.

1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?

To some extent, just about everything. I watch football as much as possible, just because I got hooked on it back in high school and I never looked back. I still couldn’t tell you the names of more than about six players, or explain to you half the penalties that take place on-field, but it’s still fun to hunker down on a Sunday afternoon and watch.

Over the winter I will watch a hockey game or two, but it’s more of a social activity, like smoking or drug abuse. I find hockey games are best taken in while sitting in a pub or a bar, where other things can be found to distract you while players are fighting, getting kicked out of the face-off circle for the fifth time, or taking their fifth television time-out of the second period. I wouldn’t want to accuse the game itself of being slow, because when it’s played properly it isn’t, but rather that the broadcasting of the games makes them seem to stretch out into the infinite depths of eternity.

On Saturday mornings, I will watch whatever Premier League soccer game is on television, with absolutely no comprehension of who the good teams are. I mostly enjoy those because of the English commentators, who are so brutally critical of the players on-field that it makes me wonder how they survive.

“Terrible mistake there,” they’ll say after a player accidentally kicks a ball out of bounds or something. “A professional of his stature should be kicking himself at a mistake like that. Just not acceptable at this level of play.”

I never, ever watch regular season baseball on television. I just can’t. My heart slows down just looking at it.

Of course, this all goes out the window at playoff time, when I must absolutely consume as many games from whatever sports as possible. I find the games are much more entertaining when every point scored means the difference between being there tomorrow and going home shame-faced, and inevitably lead to one or two marathon contests (9-period hockey games, 12-inning baseball games) in which either team absolutely refuses to give up.

2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes?

I don’t have any favorite athletes, particularly. I like the way Barry Bonds hates the press, because I hate sports journalists too, but I don’t think that qualifies him as a favorite.

As for teams, well, it all depends. I generally choose for whoever everyone else thinks is going to lose — that way I’m guaranteed to have the maximum emotional investment in each game I watch. That, or I just cheer for the teams playing those I despise.

3. Are there any sports you hate?

I don’t especially hate any sports. I don’t particularly enjoy watching basketball, but it’s not like I sit in my recliner and shake my fist at the screen any time I see a game being played, howling, “FUCK YOU, BASKETBALL! GOD DAMN IT I HATE YOU SO VERY MUCH.”

I remember borrowing a book from my sister, written I think by Marion Zimmer Bradley, in which her introduction went from talking about writing to a good three-hundred word screed against football. It was the worst waste of time she could ever imagine, she wrote, and who would want to look at a bunch of over-juiced men ramming into each other at high speed while they threw a little ball around a field anyway, and so on. It was such a passionate passage that I remember it to this day, and as long as I can compare my own thoughts about a game to that and find them entirely less emotional, then I know I don’t truly hate anything.

4. Have you ever been to a sports event?

Yes, but not on a regular basis. This past summer I went to two baseball games, once with my uncle, my father and my brother-in-law; the other time, I went with a group of people from work, just to show off how good a heckler I could be from the cheap seats.

I’ve been to Toronto Raptors game, too, and was surprised at the difference between what you see on television and what goes on in the stadium. The NBA seems greatly focused on making every second of your time with them entertaining, so there’s music booming during each possession and stuff being fired into the crowd at regular intervals. Sham and I both had a good time, and we might have had a better time if the Raptors hadn’t totally tanked the game, but what’re the odds of that?

Also, back in high school I went to an exhibition game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Buffalo Bills that was played at Skydome. We got to stay in one of the super-neat boxes that were way up high over the field, and ate free food while we watched the game. I remember that the crowd viciously booed the Buffalo Bills cheerleading squad, and felt pretty bad for them at the time.

You’re smirking, but you didn’t hear the crowd.

Announcer: And now, the Buffalo Jills!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Announcer: Uh, and next–
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The whole thing was pretty fascinating, since I’d never been to a football game before, but sort of lackluster. It was an exhibition game in Toronto after all, so nobody was really giving more than about 15% of their effort, and we spent most of the second half watching the fourth-stringers try to earn a spot on the team.

5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play?

The only sports I played in high school were the ones forced on me in gym class. Half of them were shirts and skins games, and me with the horrible skin was forever praying to be picked by the shirts, or else struck by appendicitis and forced to leave the school.

To give you an idea of my overall competence, honed by years of not playing sports ever anywhere, a snippet of dialogue taken from the basketball unit of ninth-grade gym:

Popular Good-at-basketball Guy: Jesus! Can’t you even do a simple fucking lay-up?
Me: No! I told you, no!
Popular Good-at-basketball Guy: Oh.

So, how long did I play sports for in school? As little as was humanly possible.