Above: Another couple prepares to enter into the timeless, heartfelt ballet of campus Anglo-Saxon mating.

Ever since the explosive success of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, its subsequent moderate television spinoff, My Big Fat Greek Life and the many marketing ploys like My Big Fat Greek High Velocity Motor Oil and My Big Fat Greek LG Internet Refridgerator, I’ve been considering my own multi-cultural relationship. While I did laugh and enjoy the many delightful insights offered through the wit and wisdom of Nia Vardalos, it occurred to me just how many people out there might start thinking that it’s an intolerably hilarious series of misadventures to date outside of their whitebread culture.

“Sure,” you’re probably thinking. “John Corbett’s character was supernaturally patient and devoted throughout the movie, but what about me? My whitebread family is actually pretty noisy already, and I have almost no inclination to convert to make my wife’s family happy! What am I to do?”

Well, the first thing is, don’t panic! I’m here to help, with:

The M.e. Guide to Cross-Cultural Dating
Prologue: The Challenge

For many young, white, Anglo-Saxon men, the prospect of finding young, white, Anglo-Saxon women is neither daunting nor especially challenging. In the wilds of Canada, in fact, there are very high concentrations of young women to be found at its universities, shopping malls and hockey arenas who can provide the most acrobatic of affections at the slightest provocation. Very often, an exchange of only the slightest personal information is required before intimate contact can be initiated.

For example:

Scene: A bar. Loud music by Spirit of the West, Sloan or The Tragically Hip is playing. A hockey game may be on the televisions in the background.
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: Yeahhhhhhhhh!
Young White Anglo-Saxon Woman: Wooooooooooooo!
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: Hey, I’m Mike/Jeff/Rick/John/Chris!
Young White Anglo-Saxon Woman: Hi! I’m Jen/Sarah/Katie/Heather/Ashley!
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: Good tunes, eh?
Young White Anglo-Saxon Woman: Awesome!
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: You want a beer?
Young White Anglo-Saxon Woman: Sure!
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: You want to go back to my place after?
Young White Anglo-Saxon Woman: Sure!
Fin

Above: John Corbett, role model for all cross-culturally dating WASPs everywhere, throws himself into the romantic melting pot with an expression of total, vacuous boredom.

Transactions such as these form the fundamental mating habits of the successful young white Canadian male, assuming the proper levels of athleticism, personal style and blood alcohol. While it has been rumored that there are other means by which young Canadian males meet and get together with women, no such methods have been observed or recorded, and are generally dismissed as rumors started by fucking losers who try to score dates over the Internet.

However, since the rise of multiculturalism, a number of anomalies have been introduced in this context. This has made it difficult for Young Anglo-Saxon males to adapt when engaged by an attractive non-Anglo-Saxon female. Deprived of essential common values, young Anglo-Saxon males are unable to properly connect with their target hotties, often costing them critical mating opportunities.

For example:

Scene: A bar. Loud music by Spirit of the West, Sloan or The Tragically Hip is playing. A hockey game may be on the televisions in the background.
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: Yeahhhhhhhhh!
Young Non-Anglo-Saxon Woman: Wooooooooooooo!
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: Hey, I’m Mike/Jeff/Rick/John/Chris!
Young Non-Anglo-Saxon Woman: Hi! I’m Mai/Nadia/Palma/Tatiana/Fatima!
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: Good tunes, eh?
Young Non-Anglo-Saxon Woman: No, not really. I never got into the folksy Celticky kind of thing.
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: Gee, I, uh, okay. You want a beer?
Young Non-Anglo-Saxon Woman: Sure! Anything but Canadian or Molson, okay?
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: Buh– I, you, uh, you want to go back to my place after?
Young Non-Anglo-Saxon Woman: Why, is there something going on there?
Young White Anglo-Saxon Man: I don’t… know.
Fin

This can be highly discouraging, especially for those young Anglo-Saxon males who find themselves attending universities in dense urban centers, socializing at non-surburban nightclubs, or working anywhere but sporting goods stores. Non-Anglo-Saxon women are on the rise at school, at work and at play, forcing young WASP males to find new ways to attract them, or else languish in perpetual disorientation. Such confusion can lead to damaged confidence, or reduced self-esteem — and in some cases, can even result in prolonged bouts of celibacy.

However, you can avoid extremes like those by following a few common sense tips that will have you coping easily with your new-found non-Anglo-Saxon girlfriends.

Lesson 1: Pop Culture

It is recommended that you simply forget most of your cherished childhood memories when dealing with your cross-cultural date, since there is a strong possibility that she will have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. If your girlfriend spent part of her childhood growing up overseas, there is no guarantee that she’ll understand your references to transforming and rolling out, throwing lassos around people to make them tell the truth, or using the word “Smurf” as a verb, a noun and an adjective all at the same time. If your sense of humor is based entirely on Simpsons references and allusions to Buck Rogers or The A-Team, then there’s really no two ways about it: You’re going to have a rough go.

Pop Quiz of your Love: Is this…

a.…a composite image of a serial killer stalking your area?
b.…an example of why people with small ears should have long hair?
c.…an enormously successful foreign musical performer of which you know little?
d.…or just Rick Astley?

That isn’t to say, of course, that your cross-cultural girlfriend might not know anything about what you’re saying — or, indeed, that an Anglo-Saxon girlfriend will understand everything that you ramble about; however, the danger lies in the unforseen gaps that come with pop cultural context.
It is exceedingly easy to alienate yourself from your date with a simple misdrop of nostalgia, and even moreso to fall into a kind of pedantic lecturing about North America in the 1980s.

Be warned that despite your best intentions, your intensive, impatient exposition on the importance and relevance of your childhood interests and their impact on modern society will not necessarily be taken the way you intend. For some reason, people who have been living in the country five to ten years fewer than you may not react well to being instructed on which things to appreciate and which they should read up on, no matter how finely tuned your tastes may be. You may find that you have to merely accept the holes in your date’s cultural memory, as occasionally unsettling as they might be.

When recognized, however, these gaps can afford you the opportunity to build rapport while identifying exactly which pop references carry zero resonance with your cross-cultural date. For example:

  • Your girlfriend has never seen an episode of Spider-Man in her life; however, she has seen the recent movie.
  • The only 1980s game show of which she is aware is the newer, shitty Press Your Luck on the Game Show Network.
  • She is only aware of a top 40 from 1986 where Rick Astley was the undisputed king.

Therefore, your safe mentions include Spider-Man, Peter Parker, Green Goblin, Mary-Jane Parker, Whammies, and hilariously lame British pop music; your likely misses will include web-fluid, spider-senses tingling, the $25 000 Pyramid, or any music with guitars in it that pre-dates Kid Rock.

Now, simply remember the following equation before having any conversation with your date:

(Spider-Man + Peter Parker + Green Goblin + Mary-Jane - web-fluid - tingling spider-senses) + (Press Your Luck + Whammies - Sale of the Century - $25 000 Pyramid - The Price is Right) + (Rick Astley + Together Forever - Twisted Sister - Smokin’ in the Boy’s Room + George Michael) = Zero Reference Gap

Now you can have lunch with that Serbian girl in the office without having her looking oddly at you when you shout, “The price is wrong, bitch!” after the cashier screws up her order.

It’s just that easy!

Coming soon: Meeting the family, leaping the language barrier, and more!