Some marketing intelligence going on today, in the Friday Five:
1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?
Crest, because it’s what I always used. When I was young, I always wanted to use the Triple Action of Aquafresh, because it had the superfuckingcool tricolor thing going on for it. That I was brushing my teeth with some simple white paste when I could have been doing so with the cleaning action of a barber pole sickened me, even as an eight year-old.
2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?
I really don’t care, as long as my fingers don’t poke through it.
You know those guys who complain if they don’t have triple-quilted silk hanging on the roll in the bus station? And then they go outside to complain to their friends about it, because they can’t stand to have only the softest toilet paper touch their delicate anuses? And then one of them smiles, winks, and produces a package of ultra-quilted Charmin from his overnight bag? And then the next thing you know, everyone’s emerging from the bathroom with smiles that are much larger than anything they have a right to?
Yeah, I’m none of those guys. As long as it’s not single-ply transparent wastepaper that won’t have me unintentionally giving myself a prostate exam, I’m all right with it.
3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?
I used to have a pair of black Nike walking shoes that I bought around the same time that I started going out with Sham, around four years ago. If I wasn’t wearing my office Rockports, I was wearing those things — rain or shine, summer or winter, snow or grass, it didn’t matter.
When I bought them, the salesguy at the sporting goods store kind of wrinkled his nose and said, “Yeah, uh, you want to try not to get these too wet.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Right, yeah, because if you do thentheykindofgobrown. So, that’ll be seventy dollars even.”
“They kind of what? Brown?”
“Yeah, uh, I’ll level with you — they turn brown if you get them wet. You should spray them or something, or else they’re going to turn browner than shit, man. If you don’t care about that, whatever, but, like, yeah.”
In fact, he was wrong. The shoes didn’t so much turn brown as wash out into this indescribably dirty gray color, but they lasted four years before they started developing holes in the sides. And even then, I managed to get another winter out of them before Sham finally made me throw them away.
Goodbye, beaten-up Nike walking shoes. I barely knew ye.
4. What brand of soda do you drink?
It used to be Coke, addictively. I used to drink cases in a matter of a day and a half, and favored it above all other beverages.
Then I had stomach problems of a variety that would be indecent to describe, save to tell you that they were sufficient to deprive me from having any solid waste at all, for a time. So, after that, no more Coca-Cola.
Most recently it was Diet Pepsi, except that I found I was getting into the same kinds of problems, so I’ve reverted back to iced tea. Sure, it’s basically overpriced brown lemonade, but it’s better with food than plain water, and more legal than carrying liquor around in a little flask with me everywhere.
5. What brand of gum do you chew?
None, if I can avoid it. If I have horrible breath, I’ll get Excel — which, I am told, excel-erates my breath.