The Friday Five, with a theme of lasts:

1. What was the last TV show you watched?

CSI, and I’m not ashamed. Sure it wasn’t the best one, but it had Bobcat Goldthwaite as a guest star, and Marg Helgenberger didn’t scare me that much this time around, and I was still high off of the buzz that Survivor gave me, so I enjoyed it.

I’m actually finding that I don’t watch nearly the TV that I used to. I don’t mean this in a pseudo-pretentious-intellectual kind of way, as if not watching television immediately grants me a +5 bonus to my IQ points. I’m just finding that I end up elsewhere in my room, or my home, when I’m looking for something to do.

Usually it’s on this fucking internet, but what can you do, right?

2. What was the last thing you complained about?

The fact that my hands smell like Wendy’s double-cheeseburger.

I mean, Wendy’s makes good junk food, and there’s no arguing that. You can tell me all you want that McDonald’s is cheaper or Harvey’s tastes better, but I’ll take Wendy’s any day of the week. It takes a special kind of fast food establishment to create a double hamburger with cheese that produces so much oil that the bun — the bun, for Heaven’s sake — becomes greasy after only a few moments in your hand.

The only problem is that the food is also so powerful that soon after the bun becomes shiny, so do your hands. Along with the oils from the hamburger, so transfers the heady scents of grilled “beef,” mayo, mustard, ketchup and whatever the hell else. And it doesn’t come off.

Like, ever. I’m serious. Just try soap and water. Wendy’s stick-stench laughs at soap and water. It doesn’t work. The only thing that works is to overpower it with something else, or else simply shed the skin cells to which the smell is adhering.

But wow, it’s good junk food.

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?

The most recent person was my girlfriend, when I told her that she had a good sense of humor to put up with all of my bullshit.

I find honesty works well on her, but I imagine she still narrowed her eyes at me and wondered what I was angling for. And good for her to do so.

4. What was the last thing you threw away?

A Kleenex box, right here on my desk. Ever since the winter I have had my usual congestion — since I am both constantly ill in some way or another, and perpetually allergic to the entire world around me — but with the cruel and unusual deviation of having a very dry nose. The result is a series of horrible and uncomfortable results, about which I am certain none of you are even slightly curious.

Yes, I’ll talk about breasts whenever I want, but I won’t talk about boogers. I am a series of ever-widening contradictions. Enjoy the complexity.

Anyway, things have been dandy for the last little while, but now that our Mother Earth is emerging from her winter sleep, spewing all of her fucking pollens and spores out into the clean air, I’m starting to suffer again. The Kleenex box prior to this one lasted me about two months. This last one survived for about a week.

Ugh.

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?

Fresh Hell, because Kim almost always does the Friday Five before I do, and it reminds me that the answers can be funny and interesting and longer than six words.