Almost twelve months ago to the day, I copped out of having to review a few of the more mediocre films of 2001, including classics like Tomb Raider and Disney’s Atlantis, which made a pretty decent amount of money while utterly failing to capture the public’s imagination in any appreciable way. Some might argue that Moulin Rouge bucked that trend, what with it winning an Oscar or two and reminding the world that Nicole Kidman did something other than be married to Tom Cruise, but really, can you forgive it for eternally marrying the melody of Like a Virgin to the image of Jim Broadbent fluttering his eyelashes?

No, you can’t.

A Modern Classic
Jim, Like a Virgin?

How could you do that to me?
Permanent scarring!

So, I thought that this year I might continue the tradition, for two reasons: first, because the original haiku reviews prompted more reader feedback than just about any other writing that I’ve ever done for this site (two e-mails! On the same subject! That weren’t trying to sell me herbal Viagra!); and second, because it’s a whole lot easier than trying to pound out five reviews on movies I can’t bring myself to write about. The truth is that there are summer blockbusters, like Spider-Man, and there are summer pretenders, like Minority Report, Men in Black II, The Bourne Identity. Packed between them for desperate parents, are movies like Lilo & Stitch, which serves as an admirable alternative to Day Camp while they go and see something grown-up looking like Insomnia. Rather than dedicate hundreds — and possibly even thousands — more words than are necessary to summarize them, I submit these films to you with the elegant haiku treatment.

Look below for haiku reviews of five of our biggest summer movies, each poem floating gently through the breezes of contemplation before stopping lightly, like the retiring and bashful butterfly, on one particular theme of the films. Because, like the hippopotamus that lurks at the bottom of the river, his feet heavy with mud and his skin cold under the water, I am lazy, and because, like the slightly disproportionate kid that you knew in the second grade who still hadn’t mastered verbs and liked to glue things together with the matter she picked out of her nose, summer movies are more than a bit retarded, those themes will be exceedingly simple, like the capsule reviews given to you by a broken soul slaving in a busy video store:

“What, Top Gun? Yeah, strong on action, not much of a plot. Good special effects. Bad acting. Overall, I’d say it’s pretty good. Can I go now?”

Now you are prepared. Your mind is in a state of readiness. Read on, and know true peace.


Plot Cast Action Special Effects Overall
Insomnia A bleak mystery.

or so the previews tell us.

Perpetual sun.		 Between Alaska

and Al Pacino’s cheekbones,

which is craggier?		 There’s lots of tension,

meaning not much happens,

but two or three deaths.		 Well, there’s lots of ice.
Robin runs well on log jambs,
and Pacino melts.		 It’s a real bummer,
so don’t watch if you’re fragile,
but it’s worth seeing.
The Bourne Identity Formula thriller?

Damon has amnesia!

How original.		 Matt Damon was starring?

So who was that other guy?

Hey! Julia Stiles!		 Plenty of kung-fu!

Bourne kicks a rainbow of ass.

Wish I was ninja.		 Car chases bring joy,
mostly when innocents die,
crushed by a Mini.		 A solid thriller,
more than you can say for most films
coming out these days.
MiB II MiB returns

to fight brand new aliens

with the same old jokes.		 Save me from Will Smith.

He’s the Fresh Men in Black Prince,

and his theme song sucks.		 Chrome ray guns go off,

but does anyone much care?

Lara eats muggers.		 CGI galore!
Creatures of countless sizes!
Too bad they look fake.		 Comedy sequels:
So often lessons in pain.
Kind of like this one.
Lilo & Stitch An escaped space-beast

hides with a Hawaiian girl

and learns about life.		 Stitch sounds like Jar-Jar,

but crushes cans on his head:

Happy compromise.		 Surprise! Lots of guns!

Aliens blast broken homes,

and blow volcanos.		 It’s animated,
so it’s all special effects,
come to think of it.		 Has Disney come back?
Way better than Scooby-Doo,
plus it has Elvis.
Minority Report Cops see the future

to stop people from killing

before they do it.		 Surly Von Sydow

provides much-needed texture

to Tom’s babyface.		 Tom Cruise goes running!

Through streets, malls, and basements,

future Fugitive.		 It’s a future world!
“Ironic ads” eveywhere,
not “product placements.”		 Spielberg conquers, but
is this film So Important?
Spare me politics.

Wow.

Think about it.