Miscellaneous, etc.

I received the following secret, undercover review from a colleague of mine, who under the cover of broad afternoon accompanied one of his co-workers to a press screening of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. It comes to you now as the result of days of tense negotiations — while he is a member of the press in a certain French-Canadian city that shall for the moment remain nameless, he was apparently not part of the right kind of press, and therefore was the object of some suspicion by those 20th Century Fox employees in attendance.

“We don’t really have clearance from L.A. to do this, per se,” one of them said. “I don’t really know if we should let any strangers in.”

Above: A composite sketch of the Super Secret Reviewer, caught in the act of throwing a smoke bomb while simultaneously activating his collar radio to summon his remote-controlled Ferarri. Aside from the fact that the Super Secret Reviewer drives a Toyota, every other detail of this picture is exactly true.

Still, through the urging of his colleague and the indifferent approval of a slightly higher-up local Fox executive, our brave correspondent prevailed, and jubilantly shared news of his triumph later that day with me via instant messaging. Immediately thinking of my audience (and web traffic), I implored him to write a review.

“Well, I can’t quite yet,” he said. “They sort of made me promise that I wasn’t allowed to talk about it.”

There was a moment of digital silence. “But,” he then added, “but I intend to break my silence. Soon.”

Only a few days later, the silence was broken. But I didn’t pick up my e-mail.

That night, the silence was broken again, accompanied by a sincere, heartfelt question: “Yo did you get the review??? Just checking.” But it was Survivor and CSI night — some promises simply can’t be broken.

Then it was Friday, and the silence continued to do its best to be torn asunder. More desperate questions were asked (”hey are you there??? did you get the review or what???”) and yet there was no reply.

Then, the weekend. Well, you know.

But now, finally, the silence really and truly will be broken, and just in time for all those borderline psychotics who are donning their Han Solo vests, Princess Leia earmuffs, Yoda ears and Lando Calrissian Colt .45s to go and see the midnight showings tonight. Will they care what one dedicated, subversive fan has to say about the sneak preview? Probably not.
You, though, as someone who might seriously be considering seeing About a Boy or Spider-Man instead of another quite-potentially-shitty-considering-some-of-those-previews Star Wars movie, might.

So, in an effort to sway you impressionable middle-ground people, I present the Super Secret Preview Review of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, with some parenthetical commentary of my own interspersed in there, mostly because I can’t stand to be left out of my own website.

I still get a thrill when I see the big STAR WARS logo appear on-screen and fade into the background as the orchestra strikes up with that familiar tune. It was pretty much the only thrill I got out of The Phantom Menace and I was prepared for the same with Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

Fortunately, Clones doesn’t suck. That doesn’t mean it’s flawless, however.

(Hey, everyone. Is it me, or is this not starting off on the most auspicious of tones? Isn’t this sort of faint praise kind of damning, like when you’re trying to break it to someone that their sister/girlfriend/best friend isn’t so much “pretty” as she is “sort of not unattractive, when you really think about it”?)

There is some very weak acting by a number of the main players. As visually appealing as Natalie Portman is, she brings no life to the role of Senator Amadala. She’s bland, boring and brings absolutely no depth to the character who is going to be the mother of Luke and Leia Skywalker. Hopefully, that will change for the third installment. Hayden Christiansen is not much better as the now much older Anakin Skywalker, although he plays the whiny, vindictive “the world is to blame” Jedi who is destined to become Darth Vader very well. His love/romantic scenes with Portman, though, are laughable.

(Okay, so we’ve gone from “doesn’t suck” to “bland,” “boring” and “laughable.” My secret correspondent assured me that this was a positive review, too — stay tuned for his thoughts on Ocean’s 11, a movie that so reminds the Secret Critic of a sack of festering shit that he could only give it 9 out of 10.)

Ewan MacGregor, however, really does own the role of the younger Obi Wan Kenobi. He was great in this film. So was Yoda, who steals the show in a lightsabre duel that is one of the best ever seen in a Star Wars film.

Best of all, there’s less Jar-Jar in this film. When he made his appearance, all floppy and dopey, all the fears

(Ahh, this is better. Obi-Wan is cool and so’s Yoda, which is a comfort. I can only imagine that when the Secret Critic got to having to write about Jar-Jar, his brain shut down and he collapsed onto the keyboard, preventing him from completing the paragraph. As well for us that he did, really.)

Am I the only one who thinks there’s too much CGI these days? Admittedly, there are some scenes in the film that wouldn’t be possible without CGI, but when they filmed The Empire Strikes Back, they actually scouted out snowy locations. Just about every landscape in Clones is CG. So be it. It’s a small thing.

(Some have attributed the wooden acting of the movie to the fact that blue screens were used so often, leaving the actors feeling like they were at an audition rather than filming intimate love scenes. Me, I’m willing to attribute it to Natalie Portman, myself.)

In fact, Boba Fett’s likeness has been scientifically proven to remain seeming totally kickass, even when duplicated by imitators who are clearly standing in puddles of water on their kitchen floors.

Some of the positives of the movie: The Fett family, namely Jango and Boba. How can you not like the Fett’s? Plus there are some excellent close-ups of Slave I.

(I boil this down to a simple if/then statement: If you are a sentient being, then you love Boba Fett. It’s just that simple. There is nothing not to find incredibly cool about him: he’s a combination of James Bond, Darth Vader and Mega Man — three great things that go great together.)

Lucas has learned that fans want some action in their Star Wars films and he comes through in spades with Clones. It’s constant and only adds to the story instead of detracting from it. It also makes up for the aforementioned bad acting. The story itself is amazing, very dark and foreboding. There are many similarities to Empire and some neat little allusions to the other films. I’m looking forward to seeing how it’ll all play out in the third installment.

(Hmm, some more damning faint praise, here. This is kind of like saying that the novel was stupid, but the paper on which it was printed was pretty good, so it’s worth reading again. At least it seems to be spurring a different kind of anticipation for the third film: Rather than simply hoping that the next movie doesn’t suck as much as the last one, it’s actually building a form of momentum. It’s good to know Lucas still remembers how to do that.)

So, a great film for fans and a good film for the casual Star Wars moviegoer. I plan to see it a couple of times, something I haven’t done with Phantom Menace. It’s pure action adventure science fiction and what Star Wars is all about.

So there you have it — at last, the silence is broken. When you’re looking down at your automatic ticket vending kiosk, or the unfortunate soul stuck working the theatre line on Star Wars weekend, think of the gently daming praise here and the fanboy enthusiasm that forgives it, and then make the right choice.