Miscellaneous, etc.

I’m off to a cottage for the weekend, but I leave you with this:

Genius. Happy 4th to my American boyz, and Happy Canada day to my Hoser Playaz.

…the Subway Lobster Sub.  Twelve inches of fresh, tasty lobster meat at lunch!  Yours, for only $17!  Or double the meat for an extra $3!  For an affordable $20 meal!  Holy what the fuck!

Look, I know that you get local-interest lobster-based offerings (the McDonald’s McLobster is my personal favorite), but who aside from the morbidly curious or the internet-fame-seeking is going to walk in and grab one of these?  I admit that I was going to buy one just to make fun of it, but I forgot my digital camera at home today and I’ve been saving up for a Q-Ray bracelet to make fun of it, too — I can’t afford both, and frankly cosmic rays from costume jewelry has more comic potential to me. 

Has anyone else actually secured financing to eat one of these, though?  Surely someone is willing to pay money that would otherwise get them two full pizzas, just to savor the Atlantic flavor?

Eat fresh!

…but who cares.  Good for whoever can do this, and for making it so fun for so many.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

(via Mightygodking)

Edited to add:  So, I now know how he did it.  He had a viral video of dancing ridiculously while on a trip to Asia, which got him a deal from Stride Gum to travel to other places and dance ridiculously.  He then pitched them to sponsor him again, but this time go dance with all the people who’d emailed him from around the world.

After learning this, I have decided it is no less awesome for having been paid for.  I wish I could sell out so successfully.

As much as we’d like to think the best of animators in the 1980s, attempting to craft quality entertainment that would educate as well as delight, it takes only the most cursory hindsight to realize just what kind of pimps they really were. Aside from Sesame Street (or anything on PBS), can you even remember a childhood program from that era that wasn’t designed specifically to sell a toy line? If you can, let me know which one — because otherwise I’ll just resign everything I consumed between the ages of 8 and 12 as one extended commercial.

Now I say this, but you should know I do so without any bitterness. When they worked, they were really good commercials, and on their worst day could still outshine some of the episodes of Reading Rainbow that I had to sit through. Sorry LeVar Burton, but it’s true — watching kids read is not quite as exciting as reading on one’s own, which compared to shows about trucks that become robots to fight other robots that can become jets isn’t very exciting at all. But you don’t have to take my word for it.¹ Well-done toy-tie-in cartoons could operate on three levels very successfully, when done right:

1. Crass commercial sales of new and upcoming toys.
2. Standalone works of action-adventure entertainment.
3. Completely hilarious subtextual parodies of themselves.

When done wrong, well, you got C.O.P.S.. But let’s try not to dwell on that.

I actually used to feel a bit bad for the shows that were obviously toy commercials, but that had to support such crappy goods that it made storytelling nigh impossible. Kids didn’t tune in because the premise of the show was either so unfamiliar or so patently insane that it was a waste of time, and so you’d end up seeing episodes pop up at six-thirty in the morning on a Tuesday, or joined in progress if a football game ended earlier than expected.

Bionic Six (1987)

Pros:

• So, the animation is pretty good. You could say that about most 1980s cartoons, but from what I remembered this was one of the rare instances where that actually carried into the episodes themselves.
• The Bionic Six engages in team-based versions of the following, all in under sixty seconds:  gigantic explosion out-running; deep-sea diving; off-road motorcycling; high-altitude low-opening parachute-free skydiving; riding on an elevator.
• There are not one, but two separate gigantic explosions.
• Despite the extraordinarily heavy-handed lyrics, the theme song is still catchy enough that there were probably a few of you out there who actually recognize it.

Cons:

• The animation is good; what it is animating is pretty lame.  Look!  A middle-aged man in one kind of jumpsuit transforms into… a middle-aged man in a different kind of jumpsuit!  That one guy totally waled on that baseball!  There’s an Asian kid jumping!
• The Bionic Six is a super-powered family that was clearly designed by a governmental diversity panel:  The rockin’ teenage chick, the Aryan jock teenage male, the successful Baby Boomer Dad, the still-attractive-after-two-kids and also-apparently-telekinetic Mom, a strong black guy who’s good with machines and an Asian kid who does a lot of jumping.  Even Captain Planet wasn’t this arbitrary.
• There are two huge explosions, but with no apparent connection to the activities of the Bionic Six.  They’re just sort of nearby when both of them happen.
• The word “family” comes up in the theme song every fifteen seconds; the same goes for the word “together.”  Peppered also with “proud” and “right”, you really get the feeling this was a show hijacked by Concerned Parents worried about Pointless Violence.  Which means you gotta know this show was shitty.

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors (1985)

Pros:

• The narrator reciting the completely insane backstory, with all the gravity of a news broadcaster.  You can practically hear the man’s soul shriveling as he had to say, “unite the magic root and lead the Lightning League to victory against the changing form… of Saw Boss.“
• The totally wailing guitar-rock theme song, performed by a group who perhaps thought this might end up as a single on the radio.  Plus it’s embedded with advice for future generations:  When your wheels get you there, things will turn out right.  Never forget that.
• Direct, personal violence runs throughout, including a profile of how each character among the protagonists contributes.  The inappropriately young little girl buries her enemies alive and distributes weapons; the Merlin-looking guy uses tricks to jettison his foes into deep space, keeping a whimsical count of his slaughter; the Han Solo-looking hero… uh… avoids things and provides thumbs-up based moral support; and Jayce wrecks everyone with any available resource, from motorized claws to personal jewelry. 
• The logo for the show directly incorporates a saw blade, promising a show that should have nothing to do with family togetherness.

Cons:

•  Just because someone explains a story in under five seconds doesn’t mean it actually makes sense to anyone.  Thundering across the where…?  The Monster Minds are which…?  Do they all turn from plant-people into cars, or is it just the main guy?  The magic root is what?  I know that eight year-olds aren’t picky, but that you have to hire anyone to explain your show every time it’s on might be a sign that it’s too stupid.
• While totally awesome and hilarious, the theme song still tries to incorporate some kind of vague, self-esteem-booting message for The Kids.  Look, Jayce and The Wheeled Warriors, if I’m the sort of kid who thinks I have any kind of power deep inside of me, I’ll probably be out playing hockey or something — or at least watching a better show.
• Everyone is totally violent and brutal, except… hey, who’s that?  A tiny robotic suit of armor on the team?  Who does nothing but sit in the hero’s back seat and point towards danger?  Oh good, a comic sidekick who the writers will never, ever get tired of!  Fantastic!
• And speaking of, why does that gigantic walking monster with the permanent grimace and his brain exposed have to bend over to shoot at the good guys?  What does that say about the huge pincer on his chest, does he have to get down on his knees and shuffle forward to attack with it?  Or just kind of stand in ditches and hope for the best?  I know the show’s based on a crappy toy like that’s ripping off The Transformers, but c’mon animators!  Your job is to trick me into thinking these toys are cool, not highlighting how lame they are!  If Transformers did this, Megatron would take fifteen minutes to transform every single time.

The Winner:  Jayce and The Wheeled Warriors.

Sure, they’re both based on crappy toys that I’m not sure were even available in Canada.  Yeah, they’re both about families facing danger and adventure and proving their values… but one does so much better than the other at hiding it.

Look, when I’m at the age where these shows are anything other than painful, “awesome” is not defined by learning lessons about Telling The Truth, or finding out how Families Can Be Fun.  Trying to encode that into the same half hour that’s trying to sell me cheap plastic shit just isn’t going to work.  Just give me lasers blowing up monsters, and I’m going to be just fine.

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors may be lying to me about how crazy-awesome it is, but it’s a sweet lie, and I want to hear it.

¹ Possibly my most obscure joke ever.

(via Barats and Bareta, thank you Torrent)